After a week-long bout with the Pike County Flu, I have learned some long-held medical secrets for keeping one's body temperature under control.  In this exclusive report, a comprehensive temperature management program will be revealed to you FREE OF CHARGE.  It's a bargain not to be missed.

On normal nights, I keep the bedroom temperature relatively cool.  In winter, I take the layered approach to keeping warm --four layers in fact.  The first layer is the sheet.  Then comes the fuzzy blanket borrowed from a kind church member because I forgot to bring one on my first trip out here.  Next, comes the all-wool, green Army Surplus blanket which has a big "U. S." in the middle of it.  Next comes the Flor De Loom patterned quilt lovingly handmade by my wife.

Those four layers make for a wonderfully cozy bed.  However, an extra cold night requires a little more temperature control coming in the form of a black knit cap with "Ford Ranger" printed on it.

Using these various ingredients, the astute patient can control a great variety of body temperatures.

At the onset of fever, the patient whisks off the Ford Ranger cap exposing acres of bald head to the cool night air.  It's just enough radiant exposure to bring the temperature down from 98.8.

At 99 degrees, the patient sticks one leg off the side of the bed creating a six inch tunnel of cool air coming from the floor up into the bed cavity containing the patient.  The resultant circulation under the covers restores the body to an appropriate temperature.

At 99.5 degrees, the patient is required to throw to one side the hand-made Flor De Loom quilt, plus the other remedies mentioned above.

At 100 degrees, the green wool U.S. blanket is tossed.  And at 100.5, the fuzzy borrowed blanket goes too, leaving just the sheet.

However, at 101 degrees, temperature management changes dramatically.  The sheet goes but that is soon followed by the chills at which point the patient scrambles for all of the above to be replaced including the Ford Ranger cap.

Seconds later, the patient's body realizes the chills were a devious deception because the body is really at 101 plus and he tosses the covers again.

Soon the bed is covered with a variety of piles of blankets, sheets, and quilts tangled like so many mounds of spaghetti at all compass points of the bed.

The knowledgable patient then has a whole new criteria for temperature management.  The remedy for 100 degrees can be now be found by curling the body under the spaghetti in the NorthWest quadrant of the bed which contains the twisted remains of the sheet and U.S. blanket.  At 101, the SouthWest Corner has a mountain of handmade Flor De Loom quilt tangled with the borrowed fuzzy blanket.  And at 102, the upper body is placed under the NW quadrant and the lower body under the SW quadrant.

At 103, the patient should call the doctor.